| |
| |
|
Grief & Loss Information |
|
|
|
Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief
The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into awareness. No one had thought beyond making it through the grievous night. Now the sun was up, and it took a moment to realize that this was just like any other school day - for everyone else. Distasteful tasks always fall to the youngest child, so I was pushed, unceremoniously, out the door. Hurrying down the driveway, my childish mind searched frantically for the proper words to say. Taking a deep breath, I stuck my head in the car window. "Mother won't be needing a ride to work today. She's dead." I vaguely recall the look of shock on the neighbor's face as I turned and walked slowly back to the house. A gaping hole separated yesterday from today, and I was left clinging to the edge in bewilderment. At eleven years of age, I was extremely shy . . . and mortified by the sudden, overwhelming attention of morbid spectators who drove slowly past the house to glimpse the face of grief. I didn't know how to deal with this traumatic event. For me, time had stopped; but life doesn't cease simply because a dear one has been taken away. I only knew I was lost without Mother, while everyone else appeared to be coping just fine. I tucked my feelings behind a facade, and did not emerge from my grief for more than a decade. Today, I realize these circumstances are not unusual. Nearly one-third of my young students have already experienced the death of a parent or sibling! School counselors and mental health professionals stand ready to assist in times of crisis. Yet, the people most qualified to help us through the grieving process are those who love us most -- our closest relatives, friends and church family. Most of us feel too awkward to spend much time with a child who is grieving. We visit the funeral home; if he doesn't appear too badly shaken, we convince ourselves that he would not appreciate our meddling. We give his hand a sympathetic squeeze, utter a sincere, "I'll be praying for you," breathe a quick prayer for his emotional healing, and get on with our own lives. How very wrong is that reaction! Quite often, those closest to the youngster are too distracted by their own grief to notice him floundering. As Christians, we must administer healing, even at the risk of rejection. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. . . (James 1:27) Therefore, I am afraid your obligation to a grieving child in your family or church goes way beyond a visit to the funeral home. It requires an investment of your life, over the next few months, or maybe years. Allow me to offer these suggestions: 1. Start with a hug. A handshake is strange to a child, and a pat on the head is degrading. However, a loving hug can break through the toughest armor, and often makes the tears of healing flow. 2. With the parent's permission, spend time with the child. Encourage him to talk about his loss, his loved one, and his feelings. If he refuses to talk, YOU talk. Share your own experiences. Leave yourself wide open for ANY questions or concerns. 3. Assure the child that it is normal to feel disoriented, overwhelmed, embarrassed, afraid, angry, depressed, abandoned, hurt and anxious. 4. Don't be afraid to laugh and share a sense of humor. Spending too much time in a sad, morbid atmosphere can lead a child into deep depression, triggering a multitude of new problems. 5. Help the child to envision a worthwhile future. Help him or her find a reason to be enthusiastic about tomorrow, about next week, and about next year. Finally, use this opportunity to share the hope that is within you. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13) Why else does God allow suffering, if not to draw us closer to Himself? Your loving touch and your testimony can mean the difference between a child coming to Christ, or facing a decade of unresolved grief. _________________________________________________________ An extended illness, such as cancer, often triggers a certain amount of grieving, depending upon the prognosis of the disease. It is very natural to want to protect a child from the fears and uncertainties involved. But is it wise to hide the fact that one's mother, father or sibling has a life-threatening illness? Probably not. Even when the prognosis looks very bleak, both the American Cancer Society and the National Cancer Institute agree that honesty and openness are important. By sharing openly with others in the family, a child is better able to deal with the stress and anxiety felt within the home. Here are some excellent web-sites that offer encouragement in dealing with kids and the emotional side of cancer: http://www.kidskonnected.org http://cancernet.nci.nih.gov/coping.html http://kidscope.org/kids.htm http://www.cancercare.org S. M. Calhoun is a teacher and freelance writer. For more helpful articles on improving your home and family life, visit the newsletter page of our web site: http://www.poshbungalow.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Sierra Tucson Helps Individuals in Need of Treatment for Addictions and ... - PR Web (press release)
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age of eighty eight. Unfortunately she died in hospital and this article describes how my son reacted to the news of her death. Traumas as Social Interactions ("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She").We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of grieving. Euthanasia: How Will I Know When its Time? Pippin needed assistance from his owner to get to his feet. He slowly walked to the door, then needed help once again to step down onto the back porch. How To Write A Eulogy Remembering someone special in a personal way can be healing for everyone concerned, for a eulogy is a deeply personal way of saying goodbye. The key word is life, and you've been given the opportunity to celebrate a loved one's life in the individual way that made your friend unique. What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired It's a familiar story, and I have been through it before, and so have you. In January the Synagogue Personnel Committee told me that they were recommending that the synagogue not renew my contract. In the Blink of an Eye Today's Quote: "My house is burned down, but I can see the sky." Sally Reed, cancer survivorThirty five years ago this weekend, my father died. Whens Sarah Coming Home? Helping Your Child Understand Death For most children, their first experience with grief comes with the death of a beloved family pet. When Zoe the eight-week old puppy dies of parvovirus or Tweety the budgie stops singing his morning song, a child experiences profound and lasting loss for the first time in their young lives. Suicide - An Eternal Pain Suicide is the one form of death that has quite a stigma attached to it. It brings with it a feeling of shame and betrayal. Who has the Worst Pain During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved people, one of the most frequent questions I have been asked is, "Who has the worst pain?" Do bereaved parents suffer more than widows and widowers? Do children whose parents die feel more agony than children who lose a sibling? Is it harder to watch a loved one suffer for a long time before death releases the victim than it is to answer the doorbell or the phone at midnight and suddenly hear the news of tragedy? Is suicide worse than homicide? Is the death of an "older" child more difficult to grieve than the death of a newborn or infant?If there were one, clear and definitive answer to those questions, grieving could be neatly catalogued and mourners could be organized into convenient categories. Our comforters and caregivers would then be able to select from a predictable menu of helps, and everyone could get "healed" more quickly and efficiently. If Ever It Is Me With my father, his brother and their father having had late onset Alzheimer's I can't help but wonder if someday it will be my fate. This is what I have told my family. Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy: As though time were a flower waiting to bloom. My scruffy puppy-happy senior dog knows better. How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker's Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything under control, something terrible happenes. Grief I didn't know a heart could die before it stopped beating. I didn't know a life could cease before it stopped breathing. The Truth About Emotional Intelligence There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to "fit in," to keep their jobs, and using "positive self-talk" to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife's father was dying of cancer. Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief When I invited Martha to the gathering at my house, she accepted the invitation cheerfully. Martha was new to the area and so I thought this small potluck I was hosting would be a chance for her to get to know other women in our town. Dads, Life, and Death When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either. Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way! I believe that major change and loss in our lives is a door to grow ourselves, to become more loving, compassionate and accepting towards others and ourselves. We have choices that determine what the journey will look like. How to Deal with Suicide and Euthenasia The following is a report that indicates how you might recognize suicidals, and how you might deal with them. But a warning: Suicide can be a very complex issue, and it might be better to have a professional deal with this issue if it comes up, but if this is very difficult to attain, this guide is a very good alternative to follow if you have no other solution to the problem. When Change Comes (Dealing With Grief and Loss) Needless to say, the time after loss is volatile and confusing for most people. Unresolved issues come to the fore and questions we have not answered must often be confronted. Death, Close and Personal I got an email recently from someone whose mother died. She knew I'd suffered the loss of my mother and wanted some insight on how to deal with it.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
